Out of Control

Life is constantly teaching me the same lesson:

I am not in control of anything other than myself.

This is truly difficult to accept sometimes, but it is the only way to actually walk in legitimate faith. Faith requires trust. It requires risk. It requires out of control circumstances and a firm confidence in God’s commitment to care well for my soul’s deepest needs.

I prefer to gain security from stable conditions, but no one is actually promised such a privilege on this side of the Resurrection. This early stage of our glorious, eternal life is filled instead with adventure. Drama. Heartache. Weakness. Failure. And don’t forget those surprising victories, breakthroughs, miraculous moments of provision and the peace that surpasses any reasonable explanation.

God is our anchor through it all, but we don’t get a pass on the hard parts of the journey.

One day my vehicle is working just fine, getting me everywhere I need to be on time. The next day it won’t start and I don’t know why (nor do I have the money to do major repairs on it). One day I’m getting a steady income that covers all my basic expenses. The next day I’m told that the situation has changed and I need to find other ways to fund my work. One day all my closest friendships feel so solid and reliable. The next day I find out that some of my dearest loved ones are making major life decisions and I have no idea how they will impact my own life in the future. Ultimately though it’s not my place to make the decisions for them…

My family experiences ongoing relational tensions. My spiritual community goes through some shaky conflicts. My housing situation is currently good but tentative in the long run, dependent on factors I cannot predict. Recently I created a couple pieces of media content on controversial topics and have no idea how the public might respond to them. Let’s also not forget that my physical health is a constant hot mess.

The only thing that is guaranteed to me is my access to the Presence of God, where I can come to receive the grace that I need to face my next big decision with courage instead of panic.

I always have have options, I am always empowered, and I always have the ability to practice self-control. That is, despite the fact that there is so little around me I can actually determine for sure. This is always the way it is… and Jesus is always more than enough.

I’ve constantly got to let go. Over and over, I’m challenged to embrace the uncertainty. Yet I find Unchanging Love right there, proving Himself trustworthy day after day. I’m learning to accept that this is just how things are going to be.

Lord, help me surrender…

“Do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.”

— Jesus, Matthew 6:34


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